This, has been my prayer for the last few months. For the past few months I’ve just had a hard time, i’ll be honest. Writing has been so difficult, because I have wondered what do I even say?
During my stepdads illness and my own struggles for the last couple of months, praying became more and more difficult. When he passed away last month, my prayer life became almost non existent. It wasn’t that I was no longer believing in God but I genuinely did not know what to say anymore. When people sent condolences and scripture references, even opening the bible became so difficult, I could only read if someone sent the full verse.
I desperately wanted to be like David, who when his son was sick he fasted and prayed, but when his son died he rejoiced and praised God regardless “His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!” He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.””2 Samuel 12:21-23 NIV
… but I couldn’t.
I wanted to be like Job, who even in the midst of adversity, when he lost everything, he still had his faith
…but I couldn’t.
The only thing I could say was God, I know you are good. It’s just life feels really hard right now. I love you, but it’s just really hard.
And God knows! He really does.
I wish I could tell you I have the secret to keeping your faith during loss and difficult times. I wish I could tell you that it’s easy to accept God’s will. But it’s not.
All I can say is ultimately, God is good. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. God has been, is, and will always be good.
~ peace, joy & love
P.s, it made me laugh that the day God really pushed me to write, turns out its my wordpress anniversary