When you first open the create page, WordPress puts a little encourager, I like to call it, “share your story here…”, in the text box to get you typing. It got me thinking , along with the idea of vulnerability, which popped into my head after reading.

As a Christian, but not only as a Christian but as a human being, I often feel I should be open , about my past failures , about my struggles I’ve faced, in hope that someone else may be helped with that. However, vulnerability, being open showing the good that bad and the ugly can often be the hardest thing to do.

Why?

We want to preserve the image and perception that people have of us. It’s better that they think we got it all together than to be open and them knowing that this is the third night in a row where you’ve not slept , or that they know your anxious thoughts are coming back.

To some people it comes easier. Some people they can’t contain when something is bothering them, they are okay with being open at all times , baring out their story , their past too.

For others of us however, it’s a truly scary thought to think of ‘they’ knew what was going on. Because being vulnerable means exposing such which is hidden, leaving yourself open! Maybe we have tried once before and were knocked down, not taken seriously enough , not cared about. And if that’s the case I’m sorry you went through that. I’m not sure to speak on all communities and backgrounds, but I come from a background where people keep things to themselves. Even within the church. You never really hear what someone is going through until AFTER they went through it. Once the test becomes a testimony after all is said and done.

So, as I write this 6:23am! I wanted to share with you , expose what is going on in my life too!

One thing I’ve been struggling with is the prospect of my future. It’s something that’s had me tossing and turning , until I had to lay it out and say , listen I’m really struggling with the in my life right now, I need to share it out.

I was worrying about my life, and my future job. You know what , let me be really open and say that it’s something that still bothers me but I’m working on it ! It’s the thought of being in a career or a situation of where I’m unhappy. But through that it’s led to not really knowing where I want to be in life in those areas. The what ifs keep piling and piling and piling. And it’s scary.

It’s scary being 20 and feeling like I’m not 100% sure about where I belong in life or where I want to be in my future. Scrap 100%, even being 50% doesn’t seem to there. Not really knowing what I am called to do per say, and just not having one clear career path , but more like several ideas but none definite. Not knowing if after graduation jobs will be there.

At the same time , realising that I am only 20 and I have a lifetime of getting things wrong and right! Realising that life is to be enjoyed for now too.

It took a lot. Being open and being vulnerable. Exposing my fears. It still is scary. I was feeling like maybe I’ll get the “I told you that Psychology wasn’t a good degree choice”, and general condescending and non encouraging words. And that’s a possibility that may happen.

However, I want to share a few things I’ve learnt. Every single one of us as human beings go through something that causes us to worry, to be scared. I recently read a post which talked about how hurting is universal , so why are we ashamed of it! You’re not alone. But we won’t know that unless we share and be open a little. Set yourself free!

Secondly , the advice the encouraging words I received, when I did answer honestly to those closest to me when they asked me “How are you?”. It’s a scary step to say actually I’m not really okay. I’ve not got it all together and I need help. You’re defeating something that is holding you back, you’re exposing that which is hurting you. But through it, help can be given. Exposing a wound allows it to heal. I was encouraged with prayer, with scriptures – ones that I knew already but they needed to be reminded to me

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” Philippians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Be open to God. David is one of my favourite bible figures because he is someone who wasn’t afraid to be open to God. To let God know how he’s feeling in his deepest and darkest times

“Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress. My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! Feel my pain and see my trouble. Forgive all my sins.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭25:16-18‬ ‭NLT

“O LORD, God of my salvation, I have cried out day and night before You. Let my prayer come before You; Incline Your ear to my cry. For my soul is full of troubles, And my life draws near to the grave. I am counted with those who go down to the pit; I am like a man who has no strength,” Psalms‬ ‭88:1-4‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Jesus himself , who was all God and all man, showed His humanity , He wept ! He cried to God

“Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Matthew‬ ‭26:38‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Don’t allow fear to stop you from being open even in prayer. The bible tells us that we overcome with the blood of the lamb and the power of your testimony. It’s okay to say it out that’s how we defeat it !

Find a safe space ! Somewhere you can begin to allow yourself to open up. It can begin with prayer. With journaling. To a close friend who you trust, your partner, or even to a counsellor or therapist. You never know how you can be helped or help others. I shared last year on my struggle with anxiousness in university on my Instagram and I was surprised that people I know and people I didn’t also felt that way. And I would never have known!

I pray this post helps you, encourages you in some way! Makes you think, helps you to open up. I know a post and a few pictures , in comparison to what you may be going through may seem insufficient, but take the time to think and be open even with yourself.

And please ! Drop a comment, email or message, anonymously or openly. I may not always have the answers but I have an ear to listen, and a heart to share!

Thank you for reading,

~ peace, joy & love

TK